Downfalls of Jon...

Let's face it, I'm a pacifist. I am still at that stage where I put people before myself, and did Holly let me have it yesterday. we were driving around, and she asked if I would give her a ride to the body matrix. I said "yea" and she says "Do not drive me there if you don't want to.." She knows I have an issue with being too nice, and that's my downfall. New Yorker she is, she'll keep working with me on how to be more blunt, and not worry if I let people down, worry what people think, and so on. Look how I allow Laura take cheap shots on me. I do not wish that upon anybody.

I accidently stood a buddy of mine up, Ben. We were to play some basketball after I was done with classes. Had a few interruptions yesterday...Abeeku needed me to follow him outside of town to drop off his car to be fixed, and Holly came. Holly is cool, glad that I hung out with her. Just feel bad that I forgot about Ben. I emailed him a 3 page Email I'm sure with me apologizing. I'm sure he'll think I'll get too carried away. Not a big deal at all in a long run...but that is just me. When I piss someone off, or if i feel like i piss soemone off that is by accident, I'll let them know.

I am self-conscience with what people think still. Maybe it is because of my social anxiety (I'm on the meds). I do not know what to think of the paxil, but it's better than letting shit eat me away to drive me insane.

Weirding people out. when I talk to a girl especially, I think I weird them out in some way and plus I don't think i'm attractive enough or better yet, hold a good conversation with a girl. Women like men with confidence, and if I subtract that element of self-pity and self-abuse in my life, that would be a miracle. But I really should not think that cuz I look around, and see how many people are my true friends, how many people come to me for advice and those kinds of thins make my day. I'm glad that Holly thinks i'm a good guy to take advice from. My other friend too, who is going thru some hard times in her relationship with her boyfriend. And I do not know why I get down on myself thinking that I do not hold a good conversation!!

I worked with a girl out at Newby's. Her boyfriend is total scum, and just a waste of space. he sleeps around, spends their paychecks at the casino, buys drugs and she doesn't do a damn thing about it. Stays with him. She's like a rat that is infested with all this dirt in her life. She'll bitch about it, but won't do anything. It blew my mind that she is like that...

But who am I kidding...I put up with Laura's shit for way too long. I do act tough, say I am OVER her, but deep down I am not. I miss those phone calls, talking in those lubby-dubby voices and so on. Making her laugh, hanging out with her family. She has a great family, and they miss me a lot. I do not know how to go about this, and I would feel weird talking to her mom again, or her aunt. In my geo class yesterday, Switzerland came up, and it made me think of her cuz her anscestors are from Switzerland. I want to tell her that I learned about it, i dunno why. I was also doing laundry this morning,and found one of her socks within my load. Maybe I want to see how she is doing, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she'll go into her pity mode that she cannot live her life without me, make me feel sorry for her. I know I am smart enough not to get back together with her. It would be down right stupid for any man to, after what she did to me. But I still worry that she will commit suicide.

I will be honest about this. I think I still love her, but not IN love with her. I still care about what she does, if she is happy, and I do regret saying terrible things to her and to her friends. People go their own way, and thins happen for a reason. There's nothing I can do about that with her own free will after our relationship. I cannot say that I want her to be my girlfriend again, or be technically "engaged" to her again, because I look back there were more bad times than good. I cannot hold her, sleep next to her, knowing that her fields have been tilled way too many times (if you know what I mean). That is just her perspective on living a relationship, living life. She wants attention..a lot of attention, and just wants a guy to have around when convienient. Mine is totally different..a lot different. If I am totally in love with the girl, and the girl is in love with me, I'll treat her like a queen...but i do not understand what love is. I would like to find that in my lifetime to have a girl and myself on the same level as we both know ourselves and eachother. I can go on about this forever, but I don't want to sound cheesy...

So yes, here I am pouring out my soul again on what I do not like about myself, but I do feel being angry with Laura does not help a damn bit. Wish her the best, and hope she is happy. I am not happy with her that is all. Simple as that.


Ramble On....Sing My Song....