I just feel like spilling my guts about what I have discovered about myself. I think while I was tied down in a relationship (Blah Blah Blah), I never really focused on myself, but only put effort into making my girlfriend at the time happy. I only cared about making her happy. One way relationship never works!
Anyway, you get the picture. I guess that shows that i am overly genorous. I tend to be a push-over. I put people before myself. It can be a good or bad thing I guess. Present day, I say the word 'no' a lot more when necessary. Just the other day a friend of mine, he means well but he wanted me to drive him to fergus falls. I didn't want to go, so I didn't appease him like I normally do and jet off to the place...I actually said "No dude because it costs money, you don't have money now so basically that leaves me to do all the spending..sorry I am running short on cash...I can't right now." It wasn't so bad...he understood!
I like my independence. Sometimes I like to be alone. I think it is good to be in a state of solitude at times because I just think it helps me to get to know about myself more. I get worn out from classes, work, and sometimes I just feel like getting away from people. When I am by myself, I like to listen to tunes, get stuff done that I need to get done (laundry, cleaning the room, take a jog), lay in the shade to read a book. I just hope I don't offend people when I like to be that way at times. I am sure many feel that way. It's not that i am anti-social, it's just that I need my personal space at times.
yesterday, I was laying in bed, watching a movie on tv. My friend Holly came up to introduce her brother. She also wanted to tell me the good news that she got a job at Wal-Mart as a cashier. It's hard to get a summer job for us college students. Anyway, My room was a mess, I was dressed scrubby, and my room did not look welcoming at all! She said she didn't mind, but still, come on, I need to not be a slob! Living like a bachelor I guess! Yea, it's nice to be cleanliness. I am not a cleanliness person! I wanted to say come back at a different time but she didn't really care that I had a heaping pile of clothes in the middle of the floor, dirty dishes all over the room. I need to make better of keeping everything clean!
Anger. When someone pushes my buttons, I'll let them have it rather than bottling in lately. Yes, I am still trying to not bottle things in. my ex girlfriend cornered me all the time and I took a lot of her crap. You rattle the cage, you'll get the bite! I guess I have always been that way though. I bottle things in, and when I let it all out, it is not pretty. I end up hurting the people I love and it's not a good thing. I keep my cool. If I piss someone off, get into a fight, I would feel bad, and apologize. I am willing to compromise rather than carry on a fight. If it is something more dramatic, then yea, I'll blow a gasket! I only want to do what is best about the situation rather than adding fuel into the fire but if that person isn't willing to work anything out in a fight, he/she can go to hell!!
I am very shy. Very bashful, sometimes when I am in a small group at a friends dorm or house, I feel a little intiminated that I don't reach their standards whenever they are on a topic that goes into a deep thought. At times I do not know what to say. I would sit there like a bump on a log and the more and more I don't speak, the more I would feel not-accepted. My confidence is always not in check, and sometimes I get paronoid a little bit. I tend to beat myself up if I fail, but it's all about keep trying. If I fuck up, easy to learn from the mistake and make better of it. Since I worry too much, it's not as easy. Some people say I worry too much but this next statment I am going to type makes me feel pretty damn good!
I am a happy person. Goes to show that I have plenty of good people who are very close to me, and I go to social-family gatherings, go deer hunting, some special occasions. I am accepted, and it doesn't get any better than that. I plug in the ol' jazz bass, write tunes to free my mind, and that's a 'helluva' gift what the human soul offers. Music. I don't know where I would be if my best friend, Scott, didn't put in Aerosmith Big Ones back in the fall of 1995 in the addict, building a train set when I first started to hang out with him. I was hooked. We bought instruments years later: He was the guitarist, I was the bassist. I tried singing, but I'm too damn bashful!! He says to me (okay this is corny) that if it weren't for me, he wouldn't be pursuing his major at a music college or become a good guitarist. I tell him the same with the music i get into, playing bass, writing lyrics. He always told me I write great lyrics and hell, i had some musicians in high school who wanted me to write for them. (don't need to brag.) Keeps my spirits high and I have not given up even though he lives 500 miles away.
I wanted to get my hands onto any rock music CD there is to find since that year. There's always a song to relate your emotions to. When I'm sad, I'll throw in some Pearl Jam to lighten me up. The music and the lyrics are powerful. When I want to rock, GN'R always does the trick. When I drive, Tom Petty, Eagles, or anything classic rock!
Well, I'll go on a tangent some other time. Peace
J2K
